A Lot of Thoughts and Nowhere to Put Them

Having a lot of thoughts and not knowing how to put them in a conversation is the monster under my bed. This keeps me awake in the middle of the night more often than I’d like to admit.

My brain has thousands of tabs open all at the same time.

I am sitting alone, I think.

I am in a car looking out the window, I think.

I am lying in my bed trying to sleep, I think.

Now I have reached the point where I wait for my day to get over so that I can go home and literally just…. think.

My brain never seems to stop. So, I have a lot of thoughts about everything. I have a lot of opinions about everything and when I have no one to talk to my mind gets fuzzy.

So, for the most part my thoughts stay to myself, and I planned to keep it that way until I found out about blogs. Now it’s not like I knew nothing about blogs, but my knowledge was very limited.

I always thought blogs are something only people with elite knowledge and vocabulary and who are great story tellers by birth published. Only then can they engage the audience to read their work. Which was crazy to me because what about someone who loves writing and talking and sharing what they know or what they just learnt and telling people about them.

Writing has been my escape for a very long time now but the thought that someone might just read all of my feelings and not approve of it just did not sit right with me because the fear of judgment is what stopped me from voicing my opinions in the first place. So, I decided to write them instead, because if no one knew what kind of music I like or what is my dream destination or what my favorite meal of all time is. No one will criticize me and call me names just because my opinions are different than theirs.

Growing up what other people think of me mattered to me so much that if I was even trying to learn something new and two people who are just passing by laughed at my attempts, I’d quit. I was always a people pleaser, and to some extent I still am.

But now I have worked hard to not let what people think get to me and have come to terms with the fact that not everyone will like what I do and not everyone will agree to my arguments, to my thoughts, to my opinions. But some people out there surely will. I need to find my people who think like me, people who get me and people who understand me.

So, my name is Aeshna, I will turn 18 in about five months, I live in India and am currently preparing for NEET (National Eligibility cum Entrance Test) which is the entrance exam to get into top medical colleges in India and just last night I had the biggest existential crisis I’d ever had. I felt like I wasn’t made for the medical life, but my mother was kind enough to stay up all night with me while I was crying. She said something last night which really took the load off me. She said that I can “not appear” for NEET if I really feel that medicine isn’t for me (which might be a small thing for a lot of you but given that my parents have invested A LOT of money and time, it is absolutely crazy) but later she also convinced me to be a doctor (lol) . So, I am still appearing for NEET as of now.

My hobbies include singing, crocheting, reading, writing, talking, learning, sleeping, recording videos, etc.

Mind you, learning is not studying here I love learning about different cultures, new languages and very mundane things. Also, I read fiction and you’ll realize it after a few posts when I start discussing the plot of a book I just read.

My class 12th board exams are currently going on (physical education, physics, chemistry and English are done and only biology is left) which is like the finals of class 12th in India, but these marks are very important not just to land jobs but to impress the family and society. Everyone wants to know how much you scored in boards.

Now you know about me more than all of classmates combined. I will be writing my thoughts and putting them up here. Let’s make this a habit to come here every week to talk to me. To see what went through my ADHD brain all week.

See you same time next week.